Learning Objectives
Students will be able to…
- Understand how consent relates to doing scenes
- Negotiate a scene
- Develop ideas on how to begin, progress, and end a scene
- Express your needs for aftercare
Inclusivity Statement
Whatever your identity or orientation I hope you will discover yourself and find connection with others while doing BDSM or kink scenes. Scenes can involve anything that the participants want to do consensually. Do not feel you have to conform to what others are doing. It is okay to explore and discover your authentic self. Finding your own approach and pursuing your own interests is okay!
Introduction
What is a ‘scene’? It is a BDSM or kink session with a time boundary (a beginning and end). Ideally, all activities during a scene are consensual and negotiated before the scene begins.
What is ‘the BDSM scene’? This is the overlap of social relations between people who share a common interest, such as BDSM. The people you meet at a munch (kinky social) are part of the BDSM scene. The things you do at a play are called BDSM scenes.
Stages of a BDSM Scene
- Vetting: Decide who you do or do not want to play with
- Negotiation: Reach consent on what you want to do during your scene
- Scene: Actually doing the BDSM or kink activity. It can be anything that you negotiate with your play partner.
- Exploratory or informal scene
- Classic scene: Has something that initiates the scene, a build-up, a climax, and then a conclusion
- Any other flow you want
- Aftercare: The transition period and activities between doing the scene and returning to everyday life. Often includes self or mutual care activities to prevent or reduce harm from the scene.
Vetting
- The purpose of vetting is to learn enough about someone to decide if you want to do a scene with them.
- Why would you want to play with them
- Why would you NOT want to play with them
- This topic is beyond the scope of this class, but usually includes:
- Mutual interest
- Some “getting to know you” conversation. Do not misrepresent your skills and experience level!
- “Deal breakers”, or qualifying questions to determine compatibility
- Background and reference checking
- Watching them do scenes
Negotiation
- The purpose of negotiation is to get consent.
- The gold standard, in my opinion, is informed consent and shared intention.
- Scenes can be any kind of activity you want.
- Intention
- Ask open-ended questions: What do you want to get out of the scene? What does this activity mean for you?
- Emotional boundaries
- Wheel of Consent (Betty Martin): A tool for exploring intent
- What do I want to do to you?
- What do I want you to do to me?
- What do you want to do to me?
- What do you want me to do to you?
- Informed consent: Knowing what you are getting yourself into (and how to get out of it)
- Safety issues, what can go wrong?
- Emergency procedures
- How do the toys and this activity work?
- Compare risk profiles: what risks are acceptable or not for each person
- Playing in public (such as in a dungeon space) is recommended because other people can help in an emergency and there may be accountability mechanisms in place from the organizers or hosts.
- Physical boundaries
- What activities are okay and not okay?
- Impact play safety zones on the body
- Safer: Areas with more muscle and fat covering nerves such as the butt, thighs, calf, forearms
- Moderate safety: back, pectoral area
- Less safe: joints, spine and tailbone, face, kidney area, sternum
- Explicit consent: Can be fast and can establish “bright line” boundaries
- Classic impact play boundaries: Toys, parts of the body, intensity, type of sensation (thuddy, stingy, sensual), marks
- Negotiating tip: Use open-ended questions to create broad strokes of shared intent, and use explicit consent for specific issues that are most important
- Active listening: Techniques to show another person that you both heard and understand what they have said.
- Paraphrase and repeat back to the other person what they said
- Recognize the emotions of the other person
- Note verbal and non-verbal cues
- How do you expect the scene to end?
- Safewords and Communication
- “Stoplight system” is most common
- Green: more and harder
- Yellow: caution, I need to talk or I need a break
- Red: stop immediately
- Some venues require certain safewords. RKS house verbal safeword is “red”, and the non-verbal “peace” sign. It is a call for help from outside the scene. Consider an alternative to red if you want to stop but not ask for outside help
- Safewords do not guarantee your safety
- “No” means “no”, versus “no” may not mean “no”. Recommend “no” means “no” for beginning players and with new play partners.
- “Stoplight system” is most common
- Review the venue rules and make sure what you have planned is allowed
- Optional activities in a scene: This is higher risk. However, if the parties are able to communicate and they are confident before the scene that those activities will not cause harm, then people can choose a direction during the scene. However, be careful not to negotiate upwards (beyond what was agreed to prior to the scene).
The Scene
- Common flows
- Experimental/Exploratory: More fluid and playful with less rigid roles and flow. Try out different sensations with a lot of communication along the way
- “Classic”
- More defined roles like dominant, submissive, top, bottom, etc
- Beginning, middle, and end
- Usually rises in intensity during the session
- Anything else you can imagine!
- Intensity
- Ramp up: Increase intensity gradually. Some up and down changes make it interesting
- Calibration: Learn what your partner considers light and heavy intensity. Check in often because their sense of intensity will change as the scene progresses.
- It is okay to use safe words
- Scene dynamics: things people do to affect the emotional state of the people in the scene
- Practice skills before the scene so you have cognitive capacity to concentrate on emotions. Visualization is almost as good as physical practice.
- Bottoms have skills, too, such as body scanning, communication, and preparing their body and mind for the scene.
- Think of all of the body language, actions, things you could say to create the mood you have agreed on with your partner. Visualize them in your head or even practice these before your scene. Media can be an inspiration but remember this has to be realistic for a scene (obey consent, safety, practical constraints).
Aftercare
- Negotiate aftercare along with scene activities. You do not need to do aftercare you do not want to do. Aftercare can be done by yourself or with someone besides your play partner.
- Check-ins. Sometimes people do not feel well long after a scene is over and it is a good idea to check in with them. It is a good idea to check in with play partners the next day, or when they know they tend to experience drop.
- Dealing with drop. ‘Drop’ is a low feeling, similar to depression that can affect people after doing a scene. This can be immediate or can happen days later. Often emotional and physical care can help address it.
When Things Go Wrong
- First aid and CPR training is useful
- Ask event staff for help
- Consent violations
- Can range from minor to life altering
- If it happens to you
- Natural reaction is to freeze up. Do not blame yourself!
- Talk to the other person if you feel safe
- Seek assistance: Friend, event organizer, NCSF incident reporting response form, police
- No obligation to tell anyone
- If you do it to someone else
- Admit what happened and take responsibility
- Address harm to the extent the other party will allow
- Take steps to prevent further incidents
Closing
You can learn a lot by watching other people do real scenes. Take it slow. It is better to leave someone wanting more and go farther next time than to be too ambitious and cause harm.
List of BDSM Activities and Fetishes
| Bondage | Bondage furniture |
| Caging/confinement | |
| Chains | |
| Genital bondage | |
| Improvised bondage: plastic wrap, neck ties, belts, zip ties, tape | |
| Lead/leash | |
| Leather straps | |
| Mental bondage | |
| Rope | |
| Fetishes | Athletic gear |
| Body flluids | |
| Hair | |
| Latex | |
| Leather | |
| Lingerie | |
| Shoes/boots | |
| Smoking | |
| Spandex | |
| Tattoos | |
| Tickling | |
| Uniforms | |
| Power Exchange / Role Play | Age play |
| Animal/feral role play | |
| Bathroom use | |
| Bimbo/sex object | |
| Body worship | |
| Bootblacking | |
| Cigar play | |
| Consensual non-consent | |
| Degradation: reduction in status | |
| Edge play: risk taking | |
| Exhibitionism: photos, outdoor, performance | |
| Face slapping | |
| Forced intimacy/confession/journaling | |
| Forced sexual orientation | |
| Gender bending | |
| Human doll | |
| Humiliation: shame or embarassment | |
| Hypnosis | |
| Interrogation | |
| Ma’am/Sir/boy/girl | |
| Maid/butler | |
| Master/slave | |
| Medical | |
| Objectification | |
| Owner/property | |
| Pet play | |
| Photos/video recording | |
| Predator/prey | |
| Protocol: behavioral restriction | |
| Religion play | |
| Rituals | |
| Servitude | |
| Sexual use | |
| Simulated prostitution | |
| Smothering | |
| Teasing | |
| Trampling | |
| Voyeurism | |
| Weapons for intimidation | |
| Sensation | Ass play |
| Bastinado: beating soles of feet | |
| Biting | |
| Body painting | |
| Breast and nipple play | |
| Breath play/choking | |
| Canes | |
| Clamps | |
| Cold | |
| Cuddling | |
| Cupping: suction | |
| Cutting | |
| Dancing | |
| Depilation: hair removal | |
| Dildos | |
| Electricity | |
| Fire/heat | |
| Floggers | |
| Food and drink | |
| Forced orgasm and overstimulation | |
| Gags | |
| Genital stimulation | |
| Genitorture | |
| Hair pulling | |
| Kicking | |
| Kissing/oral | |
| Knife | |
| Massage | |
| Needles | |
| Orgasm control and chastity | |
| Paddles | |
| Pervertables: household items | |
| Piercings and body modification | |
| Pinching | |
| Scratching | |
| Sensory deprivation: hoods, blindfolds, earplugs | |
| Spanking | |
| Vibrator | |
| Wax | |
| Whips | |
| Wrestling |